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My Boyfriend(s?)

Well, so, here we are. I am finally giving a real reason for my unintentional hiatus from blogging; I’ve been out getting myself a boyfriend.

The twist in this plot, of course, is that I already have a fiancé… I have become a terrible cliché of wanting to have my cake, and eat it, too. Or have 2 cakes, and eat them both. Something like that.

The heck of it is, I don’t feel all that… I dunno… greedy. The 3 of us hang out, I spend time alone with each of the guys when I get the chance, and there are lots of areas where what I do with one guy, I don’t do much of with the other.

I mean, I have sex with both of them. Sometimes at the same time, even. And before you get the wrong idea, it’s like a sandwich; as long as the filling (I am the filling!) is ample enough (I am so ample!) the bread never really touches, if you see what I mean. Also, just for the record, my fella (fiancé) and I had an open relationship *before* I got myself a boyfriend, so, y’know. Sexually, not much has changed (that makes a difference to some people’s opinion of this, I know).

And emotionally, not as much has changed as you might think. I look at my fiancé, and I know, deep down in the marrow of my bones, that he is the foundation upon which I am building my life. I wouldn’t want to be without him for any length of time; I would certainly never want to leave him. Good God, what madness that would be… how sad my life would become, without him; he is always there, always in my corner, always looking out for me, holding my hand and cuddling me at night and loving me most out of everyone in the whole world.

I just happen to be in love with someone else, as well as my fiancé.

Don’t look at me like that! There’s a *huge* historical precedent for this sort of thing; just, historically, it’s always favoured the male of the species. Men have been having multiple wives since the concept of marriage was created, and I’m sure that in some cases (wealthy, sex-crazed man, and several less-sexually-charged, financially insolvent women?) it worked hella damn well. Works hella damn well, out in Utah, or so the TV would have me believe… I just want what plenty of men have been having since the dawn of civilization.

And you’d want it too, maybe. If you saw them both, both of my guys, and saw how well we all fit together, how where one stops meeting my needs, the other fits in like a puzzle piece… who *doesn’t* want that? Is it my fault, if I’m so mercurial that it takes 2 people to match all my moods and shifts and desires and ideals? I’ve said it before (when I thought my fiancé was thinking about leaving) maybe I’m just too much. Maybe no one can put up with me, in the long run.

But maybe 2 someones can.

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Mood Diary, from 22nd December 2014

Better, today. The weekend was good.

Good like a rollercoaster (up, down, touch the ground…) but good. Would I say it ended on a high note? More, it ended at a point where the highs had overtaken the lows, by a considerable margin.

The weekend always ends on a low note, though. Monday is the day everyone (except me) goes back to work, the kids usually go back to school (not this week, which I admit, does lift my mood from what it might otherwise be) and I’m just there, all alone in my aloneness.

I really am a bit pathetic this year, lol. Last year *I* had work to do, though. I had essays to write and chapters to read and tutorials to attend. This… gah. It’s not just loneliness, it’s idleness. I’m sure I used to *like* having nothing to do… maybe I’m getting more industrious as I age? More frightened by the ticking-clock sound of my own mortality, more like. 31 is not old, but it’s not young, either. And of all the things I set out to do, at the start of my adult life… well, no. I’m doing alright with some of them (she says, casting a fond eye at her children).

Of course, there’s always that novel I’m writing, as well. What’s stopping me from working on that, after all?

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