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Stupid Things

Have you ever been really, really glad you did a stupid, seemingly innocuous thing?

I don’t know if everyone is like this, but I know I am; I go through life, trying to make connections, trying to see how the intricacies of cause and effect play out, trying to work out how it all happens (and why, and where it’s going, and what happens next). I have always spent an inordinate amount of my time just thinking, just pondering, just trying to make some sense of life. The things that seem like coincidences–are they, really? The things that seem like they carry so much weight, and have such intrinsic meaning–do they, really? One can never be sure, I suppose… which is why, yes, everyone is probably like this. Everyone, I assume, spends too much of their time trying to make sense of their life, in what can only be a doomed, subjective attempt at objectivity.

So I’ll leave objectivity where it is, for the moment, and return to my original question: have you ever been really, really glad you did a silly, ostensibly meaningless thing?

In April of last year, I sowed a little seed (unintentionally, at least consciously) and made myself memorable (in a way that could’ve been good or bad; however, the ground in which I sowed this seed was distinctly favourable) and lo! I have since reaped many and variable rewards. The tree that has grown out of my little seed is a beautiful thing, it fruits and flowers in a glory of emotion and shared experience, and I am made the better for having it with me. Oh, the poetry that has come from this little seed (both the written, and unwritten, kinds of poetry)–you wouldn’t believe how productive I’ve become, all of a sudden! And–in what’s maybe the most important part of all this–I feel so alive.

I haven’t felt so vital since my introduction to citalopram, all those months ago. I know a lot of words, but… there’s nothing in my vocabulary to express or even describe how it feels to FEEL, really FEEL, again. It seems like such a little thing, such a stupid thing, that I did, and yet, from that… I dunno… Ah. The Proclaimers have said it better than I could: I took a right turning yesterday, is all.

Thank God 🙂

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