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Am I An Idiot?

Once, a guy told me (about 2 months after we’d started an intimate relationship–and by intimate, I mean we were banging fairly regularly) that he’d actually sort of just wanted to become friends, at first. As in, the night he took me home, he was willing enough to do the dirty, but actually, what he’d really been hoping for was emotional intimacy, of a more platonic sort.

It took me another 3 months to work out that what he meant was, he wanted to just be friends, like… then.

Without any exaggeration, I imagine that if I sit here and actually tally them up, I can think of 30 or more instances in which I *hugely* misread the situation (but 90% of people I personally know, likely wouldn’t have). These errors in judgment arise mostly where boys are concerned, unsurprisingly… nothing clouds your powers of reason like wishful thinking, at least in my experience. The more I want someone, the more difficult it is for me to imagine that they don’t want me, too; or (more likely) they just don’t want me as much/for as long as I want them.

Of course, as smokescreens go, nothing obscures your view quite like a giant erection, either. I’m maybe not *entirely* to blame, for all of these mistakes. It is a *little* difficult to comprehend the phrase, “I just want to be frie…” when you can still take your shirt off and obliterate their train of thought mid-sentence.

But. But but but. When someone wants you in a way that’s so unlike the way you want them–one of you wants mostly sex, or one of you wants mostly conversation, or one of you wants mostly companionship, etc etc, and the other one wants something else–can it ever really work out? I’d suspect the answer is probably no.

And yet, I keep asking the question, in a variety of ways, with a variety of men, as if, someday, I’m going to be able to be perfectly happy in my romantic relationships… even though I *know* that, in life, we ALL want very different (and often contradictory) things from each other… which leads me back to my original question.

Am I an idiot?

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4 thoughts on “Am I An Idiot?

  1. deanamarcial says:

    I love your honesty. I’m 33 and married, but before that I’d always been some random age making the same mistakes with different boys wondering what was wrong with me. Answer? Nothing! We’re all broken and one day you’re going to find that one person who loves despite that because he wants the same thing you want, your happiness. Until then, and even after, there’s always going to mistakes, but that doesn’t make you an idiot, just human.

    • Thank you πŸ™‚

      In the interests of said honesty, I have to admit that I am currently trying out a new way of living my life (polyamory)… possibly not *quite* the way it sounds (there’s no revolving-door of men going through my life; all my relationships are more or less long-term, whether sexual or otherwise) and even now, it seems like I tend towards choices that are unsustainable. What can you do? We’re all going through this life trying to find what works for us, what makes us happy, aren’t we? πŸ™‚

      • deanamarcial says:

        I found my true happiness when I found God. I’m not trying to turn this into a discussion on faith and I won’t start judging you now, but since we started this in the spirit of honesty, that’s my truth. I’ve haven’t had a chance to read the rest of your post yet, but I’m intrigued and excited to follow you though this new journey in your life. I’m quite sure that line said outside the blog world would be considered stalkerish.

  2. If that’s what has made you happy, then I’m happy for you πŸ™‚ I’m glad to have you here, regardless of the ways our worldviews might diverge.

    PS A little stalking is fine; it lets a person know you’re interested in what they have to say πŸ˜‰

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